What would you do if you were an amnesiac?

One day, you decide to go on a trip alone. 

It's a very spontaneous trip.

But, something goes wrong. Let's say you got in a car crash. You wake up and you're in a strange place. The person who hit you took you in. Everything was destroyed when the cars caught on fire. So, the person doesnt know who you are and neither to do. 

What would you do?  

Would you try to recover your memories?

Would you forget the past and move on? 

You, the person with all the memories. Answer. 

Do you want to forget your past? Are you happy now? Do you want to just start all over again? 

If you could, would you erase your memories?

Now ask yourself: why? 

Why become someone new? Are you tired of your lifestyle? Do you not like whats been given to you? Do you want to just change? 

Think of all you have, all you want to have, and all you don't have. 

Think of what you love in your life and what you hate. 

Which is more? 

So, let's say you say yes. You would love to change and forget the past.

Well then: What are you waiting for? 

It's hard to change and life is hard. Maybe we're supposed to be happy then. 

I'm smiling with just the thought of a happy life.

Now, how to go about having it?

As usual, I'm still deciding.

Unresolved Issues

I don't believe one should have any regrets in life. I believe everything happens for a reason. But i can't figure out what the reason for this is.

This is something I need help to decide on.

About a week ago, an old friend of mine turned twenty and i didnt get to say Happy Birthday.
Why? because of a lot of things.
I was really pissed off at him and told him it would be better if we didnt talk anymore.
This happened awhile ago, but now its as if we never knew each other.
There was a time everyone called us best friends and his mother loved me and I thought she was awesome too.
But his now fiancée became jealous.
She was also a very close friend. Until they started "dating"
i type "dating" because their families really REALLY dont allow it. Its a religion thing. So, to not disrespect her parents or break any rules in her religion, she would come to me and talk to me about him. I wasnt very close to him then. She actually pushed me to him so she could talk to him through me.
When she noticed that we had a lot in common and that her mom called me his bff, she got mad and jealous. Also, I felt it was wrong to hide something when they were both serious about each other. I thought she should just tell them and I was trying to advise him to do the same. She was scared; he wasn't. So, she thought I wanted him all to myself.
She accused me of trying to steal him, but i knew (and he did too) that i didnt like him.

 I was actually crushing on someone at the time. I had told him about my crush too. Thats how close we were. And thats how awesome he was, because he didnt tell anyone. I think he's the only person I truly trusted as a friend.

But i hated how my friendship with him tore apart my friendship with her. And she told him that she thinks I like him or not to talk to me anymore. I'm not really sure, but she said something because he became evasive and awkward and different. I noticed and sorta called him out on it. Said I think your girlfriend is pissed off so maybe we shouldnt talk anymore. He said okay.
Just okay. Nothing else. He seemed relieved too.
He's too nice to pick one person over another. But I took out all my anger on him and i truly regret it.
He's the one that helped me write again. and writing is like breathing to me.
I stopped talking to her too. she took it as I was jealous of her and his feelings for her. I told her that shes an immature baby that needs to trust me, one of her first friends ever. But no. She stuck to him and still has the same delusions. i dont htink she'll believe me until i get married.
I dont regret yelling at her. but she regrets the way she treated me. She told me and yet she still believes I had feelings for him.
The funny thing is, when I told her I'm not attracted to her, she got defensive, asking why. And she listed everything good about him. and how we have a lot in common, like writing and such. I told her I'm not attracted to someone who is exactly like me and thats why hes a great friend and nothing more.

 I wish I could just go back. Or at least talk to him. But I'm scared he now believes I like him. It's been 4 years.
Maybe he's not even the same person. Maybe writing was just a phase. Or someone else is supposed to come along.
Besides, i dont have the guts to say anything to him even if I decide to.
I know. My life is filled with drama. what can I do?

I'm still deciding.

Feeling Good

Today was a good day.

I started hanging out with Gurl and Bon Qui Qui.We went to visit some friends that go to the nearest University. I had been feeling really suckish lately. It was actually just me and Gurl at first. But "we" insisted that Bon Qui Qui come. I love Bon Qui Qui, sometimes more than Gurl, but I sorta wanted to talk to Gurl alone. But I think it was good she came. We had A LOT of fun. and we picked on Gurl a lil.
I was also on a role with my jokes. That is very very rare. I have this wide sense of humor. So, what i think is funny, others dont. But everyone laughed today. Even me, which has been rare as well.
I think my song choice will be "Teenage Dreams" by Katy Perry just because we belted those lyrics a lot on the trip. :)
I thought a lot and wrote a lot. Road trips do that to me. Once, I wrote five poems and got ideas for two short stories.
I didn't write any poetry, but I did write some things for my blog. You'll be seeing them after I get some shut eye :)
I also won this position on my Student Government at my college. Yet, I'm thinking if it was a good idea to run.
I'm hoping for the best, but I'm still deciding.

Is it just me?

I need to vent. A LOT.
"I'm Not Okay" By My Chemical Romance.

I have this friend. Let's call her Gurl. I've known her for a while and for the past two years, we have gotten really close. She has told me almost everything about her and I used to too. 

Then we met this girl. And her name for now is...Bon Qui Qui.She's awesome and funny and we all get along great. Now, they hang out all the time and have inside jokes I don't get and go out without me.

Which is okay, but not really.

I want it to be okay because I do it too. Gurl isn't the only person I hang out with. So, why cant she hang out with someone else, too? Only fair, right? 

Well, my emotions are selfish and so I get hurt a lot. But I keep them in check because I know this is a stupid and unfair feeling. 

Anwayz, Gurl and Bon Qui Qui are now telling secrets to each other. Secrets I know nothing about, obviously. This has never happened before. We are supposed to tell each other everything. 

But I understand that too. Doesn't mean I don't feel hurt when they talk in code. I understand that Bon Qui Qui is just closer to Gurl than me. And I think it's because of a lot of things. 

To understand my situation, you're gonna have to know a little about me and how I grew up. My parents (mother mostly) sheltered me a lot throughout my life. I'm not allowed to go on dates (unless supervised) or out with guy friends (unless approved AND supervised). 

I'm okay with that. Really. Guys are not all that great. Well, some are. But thats besides the point.

It all started when I befriended Bon Qui Qui and another, Jamie (HIS fake name). 

I was closer to Jamie. He was cool and always cracking jokes. Then I befriended Bon Qui Qui. And of course, my friends became Gurl's friends. She wanted to go out to lunches and stuff as a group. 

Now, her parents also dont like dating and going out casually with guys, but not as much as mine. And, she doesnt care or tell them. 

I don't tell my parents things either, but this seemed wrong to me, so I followed my gut and wouldnt go with them. I felt like she was choosing Jamie over me. And she wasnt very considerate about my feelings. She thought I was being stubborn for not going and always saying "just dont tell your parents."

Um. No thank You. 

Believe me, I'm no goody two-shoes. And Gurl know too, because she also said "It's not like you tell them everything anyway, so why dont you just come with us."

and do you know what pissed me off even more? I invite her to lunch and she invites Jamie to come! So, the groups goes, except me. I met up with them later after they finished eating, just to drop off Bon Qui Qui. But I sorta just said Hi, ordered food and left. 

Then, I didnt feel like I was being sensitive. Why the hell would she invite Jamie when she knows I dont go out with guys?! 

Anyway, because she didnt see a problem to go out with Jamie, she didnt mind leaving me behind. She'd still hang out with me, but not as much. She'd even make "jokes" about how its my fault I dont get their jokes because I dont hang out with them. 

I sorta got over it, but not really. 

Then, I thought our friendship would still be good. 

Nope.

She and Bon Qui Qui got even closer. Bon Qui Qui would sleep over and they got even closer. They're basically inseparable. and they have the relationship i have wished to have with her. 

So, I thought maybe they just bond more and I cant help that. I'm not gonna change just to have a fake relationship. So, I reconnect with a friend and we became close. Lets say her name is Glitter. 

Gurl got pissed at me. She doesnt really like Glitter because of the girls she used to hang out with. Me and glitter got closer because of how she now felt of her old friends (she didnt like them so much). Glitter actually confides in me and listens to me. she also understands how I'm raised and respects it. But, Gurl still got pissed. Said I replaced her and that Glitter is using me and that I dont really know who she is. Um, yeah i do. I've known her all my life and I know enough not to believe the rumors Gurl hears and believe as facts. I got pissed at Gurl and said I never said anything about her and Bon Qui Qui. Shes like no its different and that Bon Qui Qui is nothing like Glitter. (BTW we're NOT in HIgh School. Shocker huh?)

We didnt talk for almost a week. That's never happened. Before that, the longest was maybe two hours.

I hung out with Glitter the entire time. She didnt wanna be the reason to ruin our friendship and forced me to patch things up. 

Come to think of it, I wouldnt have done it if not for Glitter. I didn't want her to feel guilty every time we went out.

So, we patched things up. But nothing changed.

Gurl is very close with Bon Qui Qui. I'm close to her too. She's like a sister to me. Both of them are. Thats why I hesitate. Should I end this relationship, this sisterly bond?

I just always feel like the third wheel when we hang out. Glitter is always busy when Im not and vise-versa.

I'm always thinking: How the hell did we even become so close? We have totally different personalities. 

She speaks rashly and everything that goes through her head and I think and think and think before I speak. 

She doesnt care if her truth comes off as mean and i care too much what others think of me and their emotions. 

Then I remember how she helped me grow out of my shell and speak up more. Shes the one who helped me with my sensitivity and I will always remember everything else she did for me. 

But is it enough to carry out this relationship? 

Maybe its really just a friendship thats supposed to come and go, to alter me and do whats its supposed to do then leave. 

I don't know. I might just wait it out and see how the year ends. Or I'll ignore her and see what she does or if she'll even notice or care.

*sigh*

I'm still deciding.

Feelings

"Poker Face"

Not only was I inspired my Lady Gaga's song (the Glee and original version), I was also inspired by Ziuzs and her blog.
According to something I read (credible huh?) Gaga's song is about how, when she's with her boyfriend, she's truly thinking about a girl. Why hide those feelings? Why create this mask, not letting anyone enter to view our true thoughts? People should express their emotions and not keep it hidden. Emotions should not be "pesky things that get in the way" but instead the fuel that drives us to success and creativity.
We were created with special and original emotions. Maybe thats why I get so excited when I find someone who feels the same as I do. I like being unique, but when I find that person with thoughts similar to mine, its proof (to me) that I'm not crazy or not very...normal.


I know how this sounds.
"Didnt you create this blog because you couldnt, or didnt, express your emotions to your friends/family?"
Yes, it is. And the reason why I agree with this is proof that if I voiced everything that passes through my mind, my readers (if I have any) will not be the only people thinking I'm crazy.
Or maybe I'm too scared to face the reality that some of my thoughts are...crazy.
It can also be that no one around me agrees with me (of the rare "crazy" thoughts that slipped my lips) and I want someone to finally agree with me.


Which one is it? I'm still deciding (so is my therapist). :)

Step One Complete

I've always wondered how it would feel like to create a blog and just write. 

I write in my journal to be read by me and only me, sometimes letting a close (very very close) friend read a passage or two. 

But to write and not know if people will actually read it? It can bruise an ego.

And for someone as sensitive and analytical as me to create a blog? It's like I want to hurt myself and setting myself up for disaster. 

So I just thought Screw It. I'm gonna do it! 

Im wondering were that courage came from and why it left me.

Oh there it is.

So I will write. if you like what you read, great! If no one ever reads it, I'm just gonna learn not to care. 

I might write about the most random, personal, general, or crazy stuff. Whoever is reading this might think I'm crazy, boring, drama queen, or just plain Weird. and you know what? Whatever. You have your thoughts and I have mine. 

But the reason I finally made a blog is so I can openly express my emotions. I cant always do that. I never show who I am...

...mainly because I change my mind so many times I dont wanna look hypocritical and flighty. 

Finally, I will pour out everything I've been thinking. No Filter and no judgement. 

Another thing, I love music. I almost Always gets inspired by songs. And I love analyzing the lyrics and making my own meaning of it. 

So, Ke$ha has inspired me to "Take It Off" which to me means take off your mask. Uncensored personality.

I have much to say, but I might save it for another day.  


I'm still deciding.